sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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