I'm eating all of the evidence.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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