You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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