I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I am one with the molecules
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize