Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
