Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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