i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
