Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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