It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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