You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
