Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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