First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
