Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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