i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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