why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i out mim tonsoeep
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
