Please, let me fuck your mom
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
