roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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