apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
