OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
