Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
50% drunk capacity currently
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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