i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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