There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
