Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
