I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
