wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
