my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
