his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
