Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
