happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
