please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
