OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
