Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
