i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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