Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
