Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
