Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
