did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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