sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
