My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's shark week go big or go home
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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