Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
