Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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