she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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