I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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