I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
