I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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