the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
