anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
this is an emotional support booty call
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
