All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
