I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
