So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize