Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
