i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
