I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
