I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
