dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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